I'm pleased. {Yes. Stab him. Stab him more! Guangyao might be a little unhinged when it comes to Huaisang. But Xue Yang has the right read on him, at least.
Those tears make him furious and he wraps an arm around his friend, listening with a scowl. Oh. He can easily imagine how that went.}
No. You're not. You're in love; it happens to all of us.
He... he told me, that... I was crazy. That I'm fooling myself. That... that t-those years... were the.. worst of his life.
[ Xue Yang breaks down crying again, shoulders shaking as he sobs. That had been the worst possible thing to be told. The years they spent together in Yi City had been the most meaningful, most important years of his life. The happiest. ]
{Guangyao nudges Xue Yang and crawls fully onto the bed with him, offering the other man his chest to cry on. How many times have they been like this? For one reason or another?
Too many.}
You need to forget him. {His voice is harder, but he knows full well he should be talking to himself too.} We'll forget them, Chengmei. Xiao Xingchen, Lan Xichen, Nie Mingjue. If they think we are horrible and failures, we need to find those who don't.
[ Xue Yang easily curls up against Jin Guangyao, burying his face in his chest. He would definitely not let himself be like this if not for those insects affecting his inhibitions. Then again, he never would've told Xiao Xingchen that he's in love with him either. ]
I can't! I don't know how to! I want to... I want to stop feeling like this, but I don't know how... T-The worst thing i-is, I'm not even... really angry with him. I don't, I still don't want to... h-hurt him. Even though he... he still thinks I wanted everything that happened.
{Guangyao has done his fair share of crying and raging and laughing. The insects have proven they can dominate and decimate his inhibitions too. But, there was a time, when they were young, that he hadn't been a bad friend to Xue Yang. Some of those feelings are resurfacing and it's surprisingly easy to wipe at Xue Yang's tears with his thumb.}
That's why you need to forget him. We'll spend each day keeping ourselves busy. I know it's harder for you... You could see him anywhere, but he's not good for you, Chengmei.
[ Xue Yang hates this place. Why couldn't he have just stayed dead? No, instead he has to be tormented by the presence of Xiao Xingchen, knowing that he hates him, that he's completely out of reach... and on top of that, this place loves to torment them in other ways too.
Jin Guangyao had been a good friend once. Maybe they hadn't been the most vulnerable with each other, but there had been camaraderie. A sense of being able to be himself without judgement. Like someone could actually understand and accept him.
And here he is, pining for a man who does not. He's such a fucking idiot. ]
I can't... Eight years, A-Yao! I tried to bring him back for eight years! I had to look at him... in that fucking coffin... dead and cold and gone. Every day. For eight years. And now he's here. Alive. How can I forget?
{He had lost that sense of camaraderie in the middle of his schemes. Keeping his power, his control, had meant everything to him and he had sacrificed Xue Yang like he was nothing.
But then he had missed him. He had been the one to gather his friend's body - or, rather, he sent out orders to have it done. In his mind, the Daozhangs had betrayed Xue Yang - not the other way around.
Yet thinking like that is probably some form of madness.}
I know. {He rubs over Xue Yang's chest.} I saw what had become of you. They failed you. I failed you. If he isn't willing to take you back, I am.
[ Xue Yang still doesn't blame Jin Guangyao. He had never expected anything from him. Certainly not loyalty. He probably would've done the same in his position. Xue Yang knows he'd become a liability. He had run from the Wen for the same reason. He hadn't trusted for a second that Wen Ruohan would uphold any promises he'd made once he'd gotten what he wanted.
He'd just become a little too comfortable in Jinlintai.
At least he's not completely alone. ]
I'm just... I'm so fucking tired. Everyone says I have to change, but no one's told me how to fucking do that. [ Not in words that had made much sense to him anyway. ] You're the only one... who gets it.
{To hell with liabilities. To hell with pretending he is some tame creature that is ready and willing to serve anyone on his knees. That isn't who he is and the only one on this ship that knows that best - besides Huaisang - is Xue Yang. If Xingchen won't take him in, he will.}
Don't change. I wouldn't recognize you. {It's a weak tease as he smiles into Xue Yang's eyes.} We're together, Chengmei. And I'm relieved you're alive.
[ It feels good to be accepted. After such a devastating rejection, all he wants is some reassurance that there is someone who doesn't loathe him. Who isn't nice to him just because they want him to be someone he's not.
He'd tried to be different, but this seems to just be who he is. ]
Hah... you're the only one. [ He chuckles a little and kisses him. ] But I did miss you too, A-Yao.
{They have their positive attributes and there is nothing wrong with them working on them. But, in the end, they are both soaked with blood. It's...lonely...and suffocating to be overpowered by guilt.
Guangyao glances at the wall between their rooms.}
How would you feel about putting a door between our rooms? {He smiles into the kiss and hugs the other man tighter.} I admit it's nice to be open about our friendship.
[ It really is. Xue Yang really isn't used to feeling this way either. He'd used to not care about other people. And now that he does, he still doesn't seem to know how to do it right. ]
I think you have to ask the Admiral for stuff like that. But yeah, that'd be nice. [ They'd still be able to have their own private space, but visiting each other would be even easier. ]
{Is there a right way? A wrong way? Maybe killing people like a cat kills a bird and bringing them to said loved one is misguidedwrong, but what else is a cat suppose to do? Some people are born to use violence as a method to build themselves up. Guangyao and Xue Yang are just answers to that problem.}
I will. {He plays with Xue Yang's hair.} I will keep it unlocked if he agrees. I don't want you staying in a dreary room if you are already upset.
[ Xue Yang's life had been violent from start to finish, with only brief moments of respite. It feels like it's in his blood. Maybe it's just become a part of him. Maybe it's just his nature. And maybe it's foolish to try and change that.
{Guangyao remembers moments of happiness with his mother, but he also remembers how she was violated. He doesn't like to think about how he was used too or how dirty he has felt since. Lashing out had been therapeutic for him - a reaction to pain he couldn't even put into words. The world owes me.
[ Xue Yang hadn't had an easier time of it in that sense. There are plenty of people eager to take advantage of a starving child's desperation. Another reason why he doesn't generally trust people's intentions.
He hums into the kiss and nods. ] Yeah. I don't want to be alone.
I knew...I was marrying my half-sister. I found out right before our wedding. But I couldn't stand humiliating her or revealing my ignorance. {Image is everything. Guangyao is actually tearing up, his voice shaking.} Jin Rusong was his name. He was a beautiful boy. But every year he grew and I worried signs would begin to show...
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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{He dabs at Xue Yang's nose with a handkerchief.}
What else happened?
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[ Then he's reminded of the reason he called Jin Guangyao over and suddenly his eyes fill with tears again. ]
I'm so fucking stupid. [ He sits up and presses his face into his friend's shoulder. ] I fucking... I told... Xiao Xingchen, how... I feel.
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Those tears make him furious and he wraps an arm around his friend, listening with a scowl. Oh. He can easily imagine how that went.}
No. You're not. You're in love; it happens to all of us.
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He... he told me, that... I was crazy. That I'm fooling myself. That... that t-those years... were the.. worst of his life.
[ Xue Yang breaks down crying again, shoulders shaking as he sobs. That had been the worst possible thing to be told. The years they spent together in Yi City had been the most meaningful, most important years of his life. The happiest. ]
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Too many.}
You need to forget him. {His voice is harder, but he knows full well he should be talking to himself too.} We'll forget them, Chengmei. Xiao Xingchen, Lan Xichen, Nie Mingjue. If they think we are horrible and failures, we need to find those who don't.
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I can't! I don't know how to! I want to... I want to stop feeling like this, but I don't know how... T-The worst thing i-is, I'm not even... really angry with him. I don't, I still don't want to... h-hurt him. Even though he... he still thinks I wanted everything that happened.
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That's why you need to forget him. We'll spend each day keeping ourselves busy. I know it's harder for you... You could see him anywhere, but he's not good for you, Chengmei.
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Jin Guangyao had been a good friend once. Maybe they hadn't been the most vulnerable with each other, but there had been camaraderie. A sense of being able to be himself without judgement. Like someone could actually understand and accept him.
And here he is, pining for a man who does not. He's such a fucking idiot. ]
I can't... Eight years, A-Yao! I tried to bring him back for eight years! I had to look at him... in that fucking coffin... dead and cold and gone. Every day. For eight years. And now he's here. Alive. How can I forget?
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But then he had missed him. He had been the one to gather his friend's body - or, rather, he sent out orders to have it done. In his mind, the Daozhangs had betrayed Xue Yang - not the other way around.
Yet thinking like that is probably some form of madness.}
I know. {He rubs over Xue Yang's chest.} I saw what had become of you. They failed you. I failed you. If he isn't willing to take you back, I am.
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He'd just become a little too comfortable in Jinlintai.
At least he's not completely alone. ]
I'm just... I'm so fucking tired. Everyone says I have to change, but no one's told me how to fucking do that. [ Not in words that had made much sense to him anyway. ] You're the only one... who gets it.
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Don't change. I wouldn't recognize you. {It's a weak tease as he smiles into Xue Yang's eyes.} We're together, Chengmei. And I'm relieved you're alive.
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He'd tried to be different, but this seems to just be who he is. ]
Hah... you're the only one. [ He chuckles a little and kisses him. ] But I did miss you too, A-Yao.
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Guangyao glances at the wall between their rooms.}
How would you feel about putting a door between our rooms? {He smiles into the kiss and hugs the other man tighter.} I admit it's nice to be open about our friendship.
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I think you have to ask the Admiral for stuff like that. But yeah, that'd be nice. [ They'd still be able to have their own private space, but visiting each other would be even easier. ]
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misguidedwrong, but what else is a cat suppose to do? Some people are born to use violence as a method to build themselves up. Guangyao and Xue Yang are just answers to that problem.}I will. {He plays with Xue Yang's hair.} I will keep it unlocked if he agrees. I don't want you staying in a dreary room if you are already upset.
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Xue Yang curls closer to Jin Guangyao. ]
Mm... Can you stay tonight?
[action] CW: Mention of rape.
He steals another kiss and hums.}
I can. Are you asking?
Re: [action] CW: Mention of rape.
He hums into the kiss and nods. ] Yeah. I don't want to be alone.
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I was miserable too. I don't think I ever relaxed for a second in Jinlintai.
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I think Jinlintai was the first time I did relax. A little. Too much, clearly.
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{Ooof that had been a bad idea all around.}
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I'm sorry. Your father was a piece of shit.
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I had a son and...I couldn't let him live. He was proof of my greatest mistake.
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You didn't have a choice. Sect politics are bullshit. You just got trapped in it.
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